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True Story

MTLynn

Hall of Famer
Jan 27, 2003
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A blokes wife went diving and didn't come home last night. Though the search is fruitless, he spends a terrible night.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
 
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Italian Fire Fighter

One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!
 
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A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
 
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy street.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer.

He took her to the police station where she was placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
 
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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" He shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"OK!" He said and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on two wheels, Weird Wally popped out in front of her and shouted. "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said. "Carry on, ma'am!"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Carl stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.

"Oh, Good grief." Groaned Ethel. "Not the breathalyzer again!"
 
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